I had a realization the other day that many of the questions I receive when I do my monthly Ask Me Anything calls start with the phrase, “why do I…” It actually made me chuckle – not because it’s funny, but because it’s interesting how people think they’re asking for the answers they want with that question when they’re really only investigating the problem (and it won’t usually resolve the problem itself).

Let’s Look at Why…

“Why” is a great question to ask – if you only want look at the problem and keep it around. What I’m saying is that asking “why?” does not give you any solutions.

Here’s an example: “Why do I always let everyone else come first, leaving no time for my wants and goals?”

Possible answers that could be derived include:

• Everyone else is more important than me
• There’s no time for my wants & goals

But those answers aren’t solutions! They’re simply statements; statements that are not at all empowering to you, and will only make the problem worse.

In fact, if you take the “why do” out, you’re left with an affirmation: “I always let everyone else come first, leaving no time for my wants & goals.”

So if that’s not an affirmation you’d like to have, I suggest asking a different question.

Here’s a Different Question…

Instead of asking “why,” which offers no solutions, start asking “how.”

You can rephrase the question to “How can I make time for my wants & goals?”

When you ask how, solutions can appear:

• I can get up early to work on my business
• I can block out time in my calendar each day and say no to any requests during that time
• I can ask for help when I need it

There are several possible answers, depending on the situation and what you’re willing to do to achieve your wants & goals.

Now Let’s Play the What If Game…

This is an important game to play, especially when it comes to doing things for other people. If you consistently put other people ahead of yourself, then it can be an eye-opening experience.

And it’s really easy. All you have to do is ask “what if?”

Given the question being asked and the solutions offered, some people may cringe at the thought of blocking off time and saying no to any requests from others during that time.

So let’s play the game. “What if” your aunt asks for a ride to the doctor? If you have the time blocked off to work on your wants & goals, then you say no.

“What if” you say no? She won’t have a ride to the appointment.

What if she doesn’t have a ride? She’ll have to ask someone else or figure out another way to get there.

What if she doesn’t? She’ll have to reschedule. (And she’ll probably ask you when a good time is for you to take her if there really are no other options.)

So, in the end, everything will be just fine, right? I’d say 99% of the time, you’ll realize that nothing permanent or dangerous is going to happen, even in the worst case scenario.

What if You Don’t Like the What if Game?

If the “what if” game made you at all uncomfortable, perhaps because you feel like you might be letting other people down or being “selfish,” then it’s important for you to look at your values. Your values tell you what’s important to you, and by looking at them and getting clear on what’s important to you, you’ll understand why you make the choices you make. I’ll talk more on that next time.

Are You Ready to Change Your Language?

Until then, look at your language. When you start asking “why” questions, change them to “how” and see what answers show up for you. At least you’re giving yourself more possibilities instead of affirming whatever it is you don’t want.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic, so please take a moment to comment below this article and let me know if it helps or ask any questions you might have.  And remember to Enjoy the Journey!